we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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