I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
