when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
