We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
