Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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