woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
