I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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