Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Everything about him screamed your future.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
