Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
