I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
