I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
