just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
