its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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