I want to walk on stilts...naked
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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