Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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