We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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