Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
