morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
