Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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