i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
