I should be sponsored by Trojan
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
