Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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