apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
