The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
