new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i love accidental penises.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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