i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
