Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
