I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
