I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
