My pussy is not your playground.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
