The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
