the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
