the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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