I'm going to jail i love you
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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