It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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