just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
