When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
