Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm really busy with my period
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