Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
