he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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