oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
a search helicopter?!
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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