my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
