I puked a lego.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
