So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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