Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
don't judge my taste in strippers
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
