On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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