I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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