look no pants
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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