Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
