this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
